... And the Rambler Rambles!

It has been a year since I blogged... and thats a huge gap. In the last year I have blogged, but it has been Auto Blogging(bloggin when I am in the auto, aftr all im not called auto rani for nothing) or rather Mind Blogging. Ive blogged about leches, about being with someone without having to say I love you(like thats the ticket to all thats legitimate in a relationship), The Mess outside my house (btw the flyover got inaugurated on my birthday - though unnecessary nevertheless, felt like the queen of my lane- it was all lit up and Road Blocks etc etc... all jazz of babudom) But I have'nt put my thoughts down, there are things I have found amusing and issues that I have felt about but No... I have not been prompted to put my thoughts down

Considering a year has passed I decided that I would look back on this year... and as I see it, It has been a GREAT year!



I fell really sick... Got Typhoid Sat at home for a month...had a nurse to look after me (hee hee hee... that was funny), recovered after busting my butt with injections twice a day for a week... morning evening.. morning evening But as a friend remarked the other day, its like that washed away everything negative and bad in my life... thoughts, attitude, physically and that seems true! I got rid of smokey evils... I travelled abroad twice! Spoke my mind, Stopped bothering whether people liked me or not or I was offending them (ok that just makes me sound like a mean bitch, but what i mean is that if I did not like something, I did not feel the need to be polite, but actually told people that I did not like it... IVe not got there completely but Im getting there .. I still battle with shutting off when I dont know what to say and wish the issue would just dissapear but it does not and then I have to tackle it anyway later,) Shopped a lot, Lost weight, Discovered that I can do a really good imitation of Lataji and a so so one of Hemaji, Got Older,Was Emotionally independant, Made some great friends, Got back to doing what I Like best Career Wise, Rediscovered Music and Movies and Reading, Ran Marathons... All of that on my own, by myself, of course with a few good friends This was a great year and it was about ME !!! And I loved it...





I think what I liked about this year was, I realised that I have two anchors one was a phantom and one was just myself. The phantom was what i cuddled into, when I felt weak or down, but I did not feel that either these last few months.So, I did hold on to my phantom, and shared good moments with it rather than bleak ones and my phantom would have been happy to see me like this, I am sure.



Ive felt rejuvenated, great and I like the person I am now, more than what I was two years back. I guess thats because I have been able to be my own anchor, and that felt independant and good. Here I speak emotionally. Yes, Im still dependant on my family for certain things and I like it that way, I dont understand the funda of pushing oneself in harsh conditions to get a taste of life and become stronger, thats not my choice. I like my comfort and I like my sense of security, which comes from my family. I would rather I had these essentials from them and not from people who can just walk away. That would just be stupid on my part & very silly.



Ok the last sentence sounded cynical... but its okay, im not that much of a fairy tale princess in my head. As I write this, there is no other thought in my head except that Im satisfied, content and very happy, and yes the die hard romantic in me that lives peeps out once in a while... though I would make fun of her and say she is silly,and have a good laugh, but yes she does exist somewhere I guess, but she doesnt trouble me too much, nor does she yearn for Love... but on one of those days when she feels Like Time is running by, and everyone around seems to have found love and also made babies.. I sing this song to her... Ok people who know me, know I cannot sing to save my life... So I play it for her... and honestly If I practiced i could SING!!!





I need love, loveTo ease my mind

I need to find, find someone to call mine

But mama saidYou can't hurry love

No, you just have to wait

She said love don't come easy

It's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love

No, you just have to wait

You got to trust, give it time

No matter how long it takes



But how many heartachesMust I stand

before I find a loveTo let me live again

Right now the only thingThat keeps me hangin' on

When I feel my strength, yeahIt's almost gone

I remember mama said:



No I can't bear to live my life alone

I grow impatient for a love to call my own

But when I feel that I, I can't go on

These precious words keeps me hangin' on

I remember mama said:



You can't hurry loveNo, you just have to wait

She said love don't come easyIt's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love

No, you just have to wait

She said trust, give it timeNo matter how long it takes

No, love, love, don't come easy

But I keep on waiting

Anticipating for that soft voiceTo talk to me at night

For some tender armsTo hold me tight



I keep waitingI keep on waiting

But it ain't easyIt ain't easy

But mama said:You can't hurry loveNo,

you just have to wait

She said to trust, give it timeNo matter how long it takes

You can't hurry loveNo, you just have to wait

She said love don't come easyIt's a game of give and take

Phantoms for Anchors

A friend of mine sent me the lyrics of this song yesterday, telling me that it's something that I would like very much. I did - very much, it also set me thinking on a lot of things...

Tige you were faithful faithful to the end Tige how I miss you you were my best friend)

Three years of Army Service done and I was headin' home at last.I got to thinking bout my dog and things long gone and past.

How old Tige pulled me from the creek when I had no pulse or breath,and how he saved me from the chargin' bull that gored my Dad to death.

As a kid I'd dream of bears and tremble to my toesTill old Tige come up to my bed and nudge me with his nose.

Then my fears would melt away and Tige would go lie down,I'd drift on back to sleep without another sound.

The big bus stopped I got off - it was awful dark and thick with fog.Then something gently nuzzled me and there stood Tige my dog.

I wondered if my faithful dog had met the bus each dayAnd all the dreary winter nights since I'd been away.

To have Tige meet me here like this, I was...I was really glad'Cause I hadn't needed Tige so much since the day they'd buried Dad.

Two long miles still lay ahead, but what I didn't knowA giant Dam was being built where the old road used to go.

I thank the Lord for sending Tige and I followed where he led,Knowing well without his help that I'd be good as dead.

Tige inched along this way and that, going rough and slow,And I could hear the water lappin' at the ledges far below.

Then through the mist I saw a light and mother in her chair,I reached down to pet old Tige but he wasn't there.

I'm thankful Mom you had old Tige these three lonely yearsI owe my life to him tonight, I couldn't help my tears.

You say you wrote me bout the Dam, well, God was sure with usI didn't get your letter, Mom, but old Tige met the bus.

I hate to tell you son, she said, but now you've got to know.When you left it broke his heart...Tige died three years ago.(You were my best friend)






I have a Tige to... a very special person I lost many years back... but somehow that, was not the end of the relationship, it was the start of another level. Ive realised that there are people who walk in and out of your life... people you rely on emotionally, but not everyone has the time or the inclination to be an anchor for someone else... ideally I think we all want to be self reliant emotionally, as thats the best way to be. But we are after all human, and have this need for anchors - its like sitting on a stool... you cant do that for too long, you need a back rest. Sitting on as stool for too long is uncomfortable!


My mother has been my Tige - my anchor. Its more a mind thing than anything else. I think I have created an anchor for myself, and one that I can turn to whenever I want. When we do not have that in reality then we create it for ourselves. Guess deep down thats what one's search for that special someone has been. An anchor!

This also brings me to the thought - how it would feel to be loved completely by someone... So much so that you are the centre of that person's world. It feels great to give love like that, cos I believe I have... but I wonder often, how it would feel to get love like that back. A love which is just about being together with the person you love and not caring about society, responsibilities and just being and your ready to drop everything off and just ru to that person. A romantic thought nevertheless, but I guess when one comes back to reality, we dont have the time for it... or inclinaion for it... bogged down by social pressures,, responsibilities to society, family and friends, success in work... Love seems to be too "trivial" a thing to give up everything for, especially when perhaps in reality the love doesnt exist and you have created what you want it to be in your imagination - it is a phantom at the end of the day. But days when your "Material Successes or failures" dont give you any joy... you do what a person with an imaginatve mind does... Create Phantoms for anchors... and the best & most special part about these kind of anchors is that... they are practically your alter ego... and created by you, so they are not going to leave you anywhere and go away!

Of Polite Smiles and Weak Links

You see a familiar face, ur all smiles - they are all smiles... and then comes the question - "So whats Up" ? You say things are fine, going good and you reciprocate and pat comes a similar reply unless theres something they really want to brag about to you and they start talking about it.

So whats happening ? is a question im begining to hate... (ok hate is a strong word but detest... ok thats still strong ... but i hope whoever is reading this can understand what I mean.) from people, especially those you have not been in touch with for a long time and suddenly see... my general answer goes "Nothing much... works good... life is fine" ... I mean it is as mundane and mechanical as a " How are u ?" and not even bothering to wait for the response. Not like im going to come out with problems with my maid, at work or the hot new dress i bought, or my new crush.



I mean yes... people who matter to you, and those who you want to share the most stupidest of details in your life like what u had for lunch, or what you bought or something silly your excited by, or really pissed off about - you would call and tell them about it - and they kind of know whats happening in your life - i personally find the lull like a cavity and very uncomfortable as you just continue smiling and being your polite best !!!



I guess what really irratates is the compulsive need to make Small Talk... Why should one do it at all is beyond me. I can never tell someone "We must catch up sometime" if I dont mean it, and if I do say it, I would at least take the effort to do the same.

There are several friends that I have gotten in touch with, in the last year and a half through the orkuts and the facebooks of the world & people you bump into and ive realised that - thats where the conversation ends. Apart from the really good friends you have had and not been in touch with, but i guess for them you dont need an orkut or facebook. After the initial thrill of discovery and comparing notes its a lull after that. Because if the connection had been there then you may have been in touch already anyway.

But I guess thats the thing about relationships, every relationship- whether it be family, friends, a romantic one, they are all very consuming and somewhere I think each relationship takes a part of you - which you want to give willingly, those are relationships that stand the test of time, arguements and distance.

Also relationships that are based solely on what one gives to the other - emotionally, physically and socially have weak links. All relationships have their baggage and expectations, its impossible to have relationships without that. For instance you want your friend to hang out with you, You want to talk to them about something, You father wants you to be a "good" daughter, you want to marry your boy friend.

The danger is when the "expectations" supercede and become bigger than anything else in the relationship - the relationship becomes very weak. Because its strongest link is the expectation and that is in fact the Weakest Link- so one can imagine how strong a relationship like that can be! That is the weakest kind of relationship, and at some level a very motive or cause oriented relationship and though we have our shares of these kind of relationships, these are not the kind that stand the test of time or something that you miss or add value to your life. They are lost when the expectation is not met and everyone moves on - searching for other causes and motives forming more and more weak links.

The trick is to let any relationship chart its own course, and it is of course about give and take, as long as there is joy in giving and that much joy in taking, one only has to be aware of the weakest link... if its your strongest link then even if that relationship doesnt exist in your life - then it will translate in to the "Polite Smile - Whats Up" relationship and we dont really care about that ... do we ?

Bun Butter & Jam

Bun Butter & Jam...

I remember the little bakery in the neighbourhood where I grew up and the Bun Butter & Jam that I used to binge on. The Buns were never fresh, or smelt great... but there was always something very exciting about bun Butter & Jam. The ones made at home never had the taste of the local bakery... though Buns were always fresher... Butter of a better quality and Jam was branded... It was never the same.

We ordered it in office yesterday and it just brought back a whole lot of memories for me. I was always someone with a sweet tooth... though Ive kind of lost it somewhere. When I was really young I used to clean up Big Bars of Chocolate... Crackle, Milky Bar & Dairy Milk were favorites. There are boxes of Cashew Katlis Ive cleaned up and never bothered about it.

But somewhere Ive lost that tooth... Sweets dont comfort me, its not my comfort food... It never was, it was just something that I completely relished & Liked to eat, if I had sweets I never missed a meal... I could eat sweets for Lunch & dinner & breakfast . Like all young girls I passed through the phase when one starts putting on weight and you start cutting off all unnecesaary stuff like sweets, chocolates and fried stuff.

I have lots of friends who say chocolate or sweets are comfort foods, but finishing off a bar of chocolate has not given me that pleasure ever. I sat down to wonder why? I can no longer wolf down bars or boxes. I think... now that Im depressed and sad the last thing thats going to make me feel better is putting on weight and feeling fat and ugly... at least let me not make things worse for myself by going down that road

I think Ive killed that sweet tooth over the years, worrying about the weight that I will put on. Its not even about letting go... I cant let go, as its a ticking clock at the back that tells me I shouldnt be eating that Junk and adding kilos to my already very "healthy" body.

In many ways Its a good thing my eating is more healthy, I will keep diabetes at bay... blah blah blah... all those nice things about health. But I guess somewhere its not only the death of a sweet tooth ... but somewhere Ive killed the spirit of letting go....

Im not cribbing about the fact that I cant let go... Im happy not letting go.. Whoever said letting go is a good thing ... What is letting go anyway? Now answering that question is another discussion altogether so there is no point going down that lane now.

So in effect we always associate certain foods, smells, lanes movies with memories, they are nice memories... Im anyway thinking back on the days of the sweet tooth, and in some ways maybe im deprived (I dont know) but Ive learnt not to let go... & Im not unhappy about that either... Its just about looking back at those days of yore and wondering... My God Could I actually do that... though ive shifted interests to spicy food... I can wolf down Andhra Meals or any meals So I think what I have basically done is re chanelising my food preferences.... so theres no deprivation... Its just about yennjoying good food... and maybe i just satiated my sweet tooth... :)

When are we truly happy!

Are we ever truly happy? Satisified? Are'nt we really greedy as human beings, that whatever we get.. we always want more. Whether Professionaly or Personally.

I have a great job, Im earning 4 times of what I used to, at the same time two years back... I should be very happy. I have a whole new wardrobe, I have a family that loves me a lot., A bunch of great friends, but Im always thinking of what I do not have.

So I asked myself what would make my life perfect? A relationship, A marriage? A luxury vaction? I really dont know... more satisfaction at work... I really dont know there's a nagging feeling thatn all is fine... its great, but there is something that can make my life bitter.

Like a friend of mine tells me.. I basically have a problem, I can never be too happy and think that all is fine, and be satisfied, I search with a microscope for reasons to be upset about. I like to disagree as I "think" Im a happy person by nature, but deep down I think Im just a cribber and greedy. Maybe its a female trait or a family trait... whatever trait it is, its not a nice trait...

But in a way its a good thing... Im on a search and never feel complacent, Im searching for something which I think will make life worthwhile rather than mere existence. As for an answer to the question "When are we truly happy" ... Well I guess we are truly happy when we choose to be happy and feel fulfilled in some aspect of life, even with something as small as a Chocolate that we have been craving for! Happiness is in my head and what I make of it.

Why Ant & the Grasshopper? There are several stories that you go through, some for academic reasons & some for recreation, though I do have a lot of favorite stories, books that I like to cuddle into, ome story that I feel so true to life is Maugham's "Ant & The Grasshopper"

The Aesops fable of the Ant & The Grasshopper is conventional and what we are taught and conditioned to think that ... honesty & hardwork is always rewarded and people who procrastinate are victimes of divine justice.... This is true of what are parents tell us, as well as what our teachers tell us.

Though Maughams take is complete volte face, telling us that the lazy grasshopper can actually strike it big if he is smart.

I like the story, though it has never inspired me to be the grasshopper. Its scary to be the grasshopper, to take that chance not to be prepared for the futures... I like being the ant, it makes me feel more secure. Whether it is saving money for a rainy day, or working hard, but yes I've seen many grasshoppers flit past. I always wonder if the grasshoppers are happier than me... more satisfied than me... more secure than me. Guess its the classic case of "Grass is greener on the other side"

I like that story, I know Im saying it again... but somewhere it tells me that there is no right or wrong way of being. One can be successful or at peace whether they are the ant or the grasshopper... Eventually it is an approach and to each their own...